*pokes sex life with a stick
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.