Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
He a real one for that
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints