Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.