Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*seductively eats two tums*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.