I have obtained a hat
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Yoga Matt
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.