me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Shortcut
My neck my back my allergy attack
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.