Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My blood type is coffee.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
This anagram machine is out of order.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game