Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)