Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When he asks for feet pics
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Every. Damn. Time.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.