Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”