What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.