I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You Might Also Like
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Festive toon…
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol