Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Worst bar ever.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.