ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I can’t deal with men any longer
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Print is alive and well!!!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?