mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.