A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
oh my god
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
set yourself free xox
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…