Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
the greatest twitter interaction
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.