me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole