Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
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Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.