If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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you gotta be faster
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Those are good neighbors.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how