I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
You Might Also Like
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.