Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.