*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
You Might Also Like
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early