when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.