If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now