I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window