If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words