I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Worth remembering.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.