Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.