I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I never needed anything more in my life
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
🍞🦆
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.