WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving