The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!