They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse