I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The news is so predictable nowadays
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.