I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Life with a cat in one tweet
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Noted.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.