Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You Might Also Like
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*