[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.