I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.