I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.