Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates