SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Got ya covered
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH