<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree