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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars