Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.