[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”