When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You Might Also Like
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I bet birds love this building.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???