If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
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Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead