“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
You Might Also Like
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Yeah. This was me today.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.