MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Damn he played himself
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
SF is the wild wild west man
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
😅😅😅
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.