The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up